magnesium/l-theanine day 2: not sure if i took 3 melatonin last night or 2 melatonin and 1 l-theanine as the pills are identical and more melatonin than i had hoped for came pouring into my hand when i opened the bottle. positive that I took recommended dose of magnesium with normal multis. feel good today, sluggish from the tonies upon waking, then revved up by some coffee. have not eaten. am not hungry. had one anger infused flash of anxiety today followed by just a lot of general anxiety about things. thinking i need to eat.
went full angry retard at work over some money thing where i was begged to call out of a bartending job at Toniq ($150 added to my normal serving shift at RC so $300+ for the night) to cover the bar for Red Cedar under the specific circumstance that RC had no other bartender for the night. (good opportunity to make $300+ without having to change location) so I was down and willing to help. Called out. Then I find myself on the schedule as a server. Even if I worked from open to close, never going to make $300-$400 in one shot unless my favorite drinkers come in and decide to do snakebites all night and tip me out $120+ as usual which only happens about once a month. Ok. For some reason that flew up my ass.. well, obviously because I’m going to make half what I WOULD HAVE if i NEVER AGREED TO BE HELPFUL. I mean yeah, it sucks, but I need to reeelax. Bitched SO HARD that I would never do Kristen another favor only to end up mostly just apologizing to her for being “an overtly emotional faggot” and blamed my birth control. it wasn’t my birth control.
then talked about creepy leering dudes with my boyfriend which gave me the craziest survival safety-based anxiety. but then ryan did that thing where he very seriously tells me about some completely made up event, story, person, or activity. he started talking about putting jam in the pockets of his pajamas and sloshing around in it and rolling down hills in that state in very thorough detail then called his condo complex a lumber yard filled with logs we should make a Santa’s Village out of and I cried and cried laughing.
i promised myself i’d start writing again once a day even if it was just about my day or work or whatever to get back into the flow of expressing myself through words because i’ve had writer’s-block-turned-plain-laziness for like, i dunno, 4 years? and at this point I feel like I’ve dodged the public eye well enough to where anyone who can find this won’t give a shit, is my friend, or i don’t give a shit what the fuck they do with my (lol) scandalous self analyses of a nutrient-based mental health experiment. that being said, it’s gonna be tumblr stuff. i’m prepared to lose followers. ya know. because who fucking cares about a TL;DR post that essentially sums up to: taking vitamins, still anxious, going to eat shepherd’s pie @ my usual dinner time of 2-4AM?
I say I hate everything so much, and I really do, but it’s only because that’s the only simple way to express and summarize my anger, frustration, sadness, compassion, empathy, disgust, hope, loss of hope, fear, mortal fear, and intellectual outrage with the world.
So, whatever. hatehatehatehate h8